


My heart, it yearns for you

by NotMarie



Series: Letter Collections [3]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Forgive Me, I'm Sorry, M/M, Slight Angst?, Trigger Warning: implied suicide, What Have I Done, when will I stop killing the characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 06:23:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9479285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotMarie/pseuds/NotMarie
Summary: Soonyoung wakes up to the sound of his alarm. His heart beats like crazy, and the tears he shed mixed with the sweat that streamed down his face. He presses the button to make it stop and he starts preparing for the day ahead of him.He has always been like this. He wakes up panting like crazy and sweating hard, but the thing about dreams is that you could hardly remember them, so every time Soonyoung cries in his sleep, he wakes up and won't remember the reason why.





	

**Author's Note:**

> As you read this, may I request you listen to exo-cbx's for you. I wrote this long ago (well, not really long ago. Just around the time of the release of boom boom), but I heard the song just recently and the lyrics struck me like ugh
> 
> You'll understand when you read this.
> 
> Oh and have you heard of Downpour by IOI written by our Jihoon? The lyrics are gold.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own the song mentioned here. Enjoy reading!

 

Soonyoung wakes up to the sound of his alarm. His heart beats like crazy, and the tears he shed mixed with the sweat that streamed down his face. He presses the button to make it stop and he starts preparing for the day ahead of him.

He has always been like this. He wakes up panting like crazy and sweating hard, but the thing about dreams is that you could hardly remember them, so every time Soonyoung cries in his sleep, he wakes up and won't remember the reason why.

He walks to his workplace but he feels like something is off, like something is missing. His heart yearns for something he can't pin point, and it's frustrating the shit out of him.

He has always been like this since the day he woke up from an accident. His friends didn't tell him what accident he got into, or how long he's been on coma. They were just happy that Soonyoung was alive.

 

 

 

Soonyoung was on his way home when he bumped unto a middle aged woman. He bows and mutters an apology, but the woman looked happy to see him.

"Soonyoung! I'm glad you're fine now. When will you get the remaining things from your old apartment? There's still lots of things there, you know."

Soonyoung rubbed the back of his neck. He hates himself for not remembering anything.

"I'm sorry, but who are you?"

The woman's eyes went wide but she smiled afterwards.

"Oh, that's right. Seokmin mentioned something about this. Aigoo~ I'm starting to be forgetful. Anyways, I used to be your landlady, Soonyoung. Oh, I'm actually in a hurry but," the woman grabs a piece of paper from her bag and a key. She wrote something on the paper and gave it to Soonyoung. "You can go there and get your stuff whenever you're free. Here's the key, and I wrote the address on the paper." She smiled one last time and waved at Soonyoung. He makes a mental note to check the place one of this days.

Soonyoung smiled and politely bowed to the woman. The woman then leads her way.

 

 

Soonyoung woke up, tears fell from his eyes one by one. He felt mad at himself, he feels so frustrated. He sat on his bed, knees bended supporting his elbows as his hand clutched his hair. The same thing over and over again. Soonyoung had a dream, and he can't remember. He doesn't know why, but he felt something heavy in his chest. The sadness is eating him alive. He shook his head and stood up. He heads to the sink and washes his face. He stopped and stared at his reflection. He couldn't exactly pinpoint what it is, but he knew something has changed.

 

  
Since Soonyoung feels like ditching work today, he decides to check his previous apartment. After the three-hour drive, Soonyoung arrived at his destination.

Soonyoung stood in front of a small apartment. It was smaller than the one he was staying at. He took a deep breath and inserted the key through the keyhole. He was welcomed by a living room. It was filled with all sorts of stuff. Tons of boxes, small and big ones. White cloth covered various pieces of furniture. It was crowded, but Soonyoung can feel the emptiness of the house.

He spots two doors from the corner of his eyes. He decides to enter the one at the left. The walls of the room were painted with a shade of green. On the walls were various framed photographs of Soonyoung. There was a small desk were a pile of scoresheets and a laptop. Beside it were faded coffee stains. He turns and sees a closet and the bed that looked like it was hardly slept on.

He was going to check the contents of the closet when he accidentally dropped the keys. He crouched and searched for the keys under the bed, but he grabbed something else instead. It was a small, black velvet box. Soonyoung's curiosity got the best of him, so he opens the box and was surprised to see a necklace with a star pendant. He decides to sets the box aside and searches for the keys once again. He stood up and opened the closet. It was filled with sweaters of various colors. Soonyoung noticed how the some sweaters have matching ones, one is one size smaller than the other. Soonyoung shrugged his shoulders and closed the closet.

He was going to leave when something caught his eye. On top of the music sheets was a blue notebook. He thought that maybe it was his because this was his apartment, and maybe it'll help him, so he grabs the notebook and starts going home.

 

 

After washing up, Soonyoung sat on his bed. The drive back and forth to his old apartment was tiring, and for some unknown reason, his heart felt heavier. Soonyoung rubbed the towel against his hair and hums a familiar tune. It was the only thing he remembered, his only memory from the life he lived before. He spots the blue notebook and grabs it. He flips the cover and reads what was written inside. Soonyoung's face grimaced when he saw the words  _Property of Woozi_. He started thinking if he chose such lame nickname for himself before? Because if he did, he was glad he forgot about it. He continues reading.

 

  
_Dear Journal,_

_I'm not the type of person to write journals, but here I am. Well, Hoshi insisted that I should write what I feel here, so here I am. Right now, Hoshi is looking at me with a stupid grin. He felt so accomplished that he made me write here. I just hope he won't read this when I'm not at home._

_Do you know how cute he looks like when he grins like that? I'd like to see that smile for the rest of my life. Gosh, I think I sound crazy right now. I really hope he won't read this because it will be very embarrassing._

_If I caught him reading this, I won't think twice about high-fiving his face with my guitar._

_Who am I kidding? I couldn't hurt him. Lol @ u self_

_Let's call it a day._

_Good night, Journal._

_Woozi_

 

Soonyoung was sure that his handwriting was different, and that his former self does not talk this way, so Soonyoung came to a conclusion that _maybe_ he had a housemate before. He started having doubts because he was sure his family was pretty well-off and that he had a stable job, so he wondered why he'll have someone live with him, but it seemed like the most plausible reason. He closes the notebook and sighs.

 

  
Soonyoung woke up, but unlike before, he had a smile etched on his face. He doesn't know why but his heart feels a little bit lighter. He carried on with his day.

 

  
He felt guilty because he's been reading his ex-housemate's diary for quite some time now. He knows this is invasion of privacy, but what can he do? His curiosity about the man's life was eating him. To compensate for the invasion of privacy, he swore to read maximum of one entry per day.

He slowly got to know the owner of the diary. He felt closer to his former housemate somehow. The things he learned about the man was _a_ ) he is a cute tsundere (Soonyoung can imagine how the man looked like, and he pictured him to be cute), _b_ ) He is a writer (because he wrote damn good poems or songs in this notebook), and _c)_ he is so in love with that Hoshi guy. All his beautiful words were written for that Hoshi. Soonyoung felt somewhat envious of Hoshi because he had someone like Woozi to love him, but he just pushed his thoughts at the back of his mind.

Aside from his lame nickname, everything about Woozi is actually good. Soonyoung felt sorry because he was reading, and he prayed that he won't get hit by a guitar.

 

It was already late when he decides to read the contents of the familiar blue notebook once again. He flipped to were he left off and starts reading.

  
_Smile flower_

_I don't know why, but sometimes_  
I suddenly keep getting these thoughts lately  
You who's so happy and beautiful   
And the us right now who aren't envious of others

 _That kind of us, if we were to unfortunately someday get separated_  
What do we do when that happens?  
I hate to umagine this, but those thoughts sometimes appear  
And I hope I never have such thoughts

 _I can laugh because we're together_  
I can also cry because it's you  
How can there be anything I can't do?

 _No matter when it is or where we are_  
Even if we can't be together   
May we always have a blossoming smile like we've always had

_I'll become the spring to your smile._

 

 __  
Hoshi told me to write how I feel here, so I wrote this.  
This is actually a work in progress, a song which was intended for his birthday. I hope to finish this on time. Good luck to me!

 

  
Soonyoung woke up the next day, but unlike before, he did recall a fragment from his dream. It was a voice of a person, " _Lean on me_ ," the voice said. It echoed in his head. Soonyoung felt happy that day.

 

The next journal entries contained the continuation of the song.

  
 _I feel like I'm always receiving from you_  
That's why to the extent where I could cry,  
I'm thankful and even more sorry

 _Although I only want to tightly embrace you_  
Due to some uneasiness I don't know why I feel  
What's this hesitation?  
I don't want to be like this though

 _Just like how the sky is high,_  
and the wind is cold  
and the sea is wide and blue

 _In case I take you for granted, because I'm uneasy about that happening_  
I think that's why I'm being like this  
In case I lose you,  
I hope you don't feel this way, like I feel.

 _I can laugh because we're together_  
I can also cry because it's you  
How can there be anything I can't do?

 _The word 'last'_  
Don't say it, forever.  
Because I'll always remain by your side

 

_The song is almost done! I hope Hoshi likes it._

 

 

 __  
Even if anything were to happen to us  
We're always going to be together, like how we are right now.

 __  
The word 'last',  
Don't say it, forever  
No matter what happens,  
May we always have a blossoming smile like we've always had.

 _No matter when it is or where we are_  
Even if we can't be together  
May we have a blossoming smile like we've always had

_I will be the spring to your smile._

_I will be the spring to your smile, Hoshi. I will do anything to protect that lovely smile of yours. I know I'm not good with speaking, so I told you how I felt through this song. I love you. Happy birthday, my Soonyoungie <3_

 

 

Soonyoung was frozen in shock. His mind couldn't take in what he just read. Suddenly, memories flashed before his eyes.

 

 

_It was a scene of the old apartment, in the same room he got the diary from._

_He enters the room, a paper bag in hand, and sees a back of the man with brown hair. An empty mug of coffee beside the laptop. He gives the man a back hug and a kiss on the cheek. The man turns to him, pushes the glasses he wore up the bridge of his nose, and gives him a small smiles. Soonyoung pulled away from the hug and turns the man's swivel chair to make him face Soonyoung. Soonyoung notices the matching sweater they wore. His smile grew wider. Soonyoung extends his hand and shows the paper bag. The man just raised a brow and crossed his arms. Soonyoung smiles even wider and pushes the bag unto the man's chest. The man held the paper bag in his hand and gave Soonyoung a questioning look. Soonyoung excitedly clapped his hands and bit his lower lip to prevent himself from smiling. The man shook his head as a grin escaped his lips. The man gets what's inside the paper bag and looks at Soonyoung. The man held a blue notebook in his hand._

_"Happy birthday, Woozi. Happy birthday my Jihoonie!"_

 

_-_

_"I will be the spring to your smile."_

_The man sang in his most sincere voice._

_"J-Jihoonie."_

_Soonyoung bursts into tears and envelopes the man in a hug. The man hugged him and rubbed his back. The man is now in tears as Soonyoung sobbed his heart out._

_"Happy birthday, Soonyoung. Happy birthday, my star."_

_-_

 

_Soonyoung laid in bed as he hugged the man that laid beside him. He showers the man's face with kisses and the smaller one smiles. Soonyoung playfully scolds him._

_"Aigoo~ Jihoonie, why is it so hard to wake you up?"_

_The man peaks from the covers and grins._

_"I don't mind waking up if it's your face that I'll always wake up to."_

_The smaller man cringed at what he said and hid his embarrassed face underneath the comforter once again. Soonyoung fakes a squeal and starts tickling the man under the covers._

 

_-_

_Soonyoung was clad in a black suit. He stared at the casket that was being lowered in front of him. Behind the sunglasses he wore, tears were threatening to fall. A hand held his and intertwined their fingers. Soonyoung turns his head to see the man. The man gave him a reassuring smile and said, "Lean on me. You can lean on me, Soonyoung."_

_He couldn't stop himself from crying. The man just held his hand tighter._

_As soon as they enter their car, Soonyoung breaks down. The man beside him kept quiet and pats Soonyoung's back. Soonyoung pulls the man for a hug and cries on the man's shoulders. The man ran his hand throughout Soonyoung's hair as he hummed a tune._

_When Soonyoung finally calmed down, the man gets tissue and wipes Soonyoung's snot. Soonyoung blew through his nose, the man shrieks in fake disgust, and they started giggling together. When the giggles died down, he stared at the man beside him, and suddenly, everything felt better. He plants a kiss on the man's forehead and whispers._

_"Thank you, Jihoon."_ _  
-_

 

_"Lee Jihoon! Hey! Wait for me!"_

_The man looked at the man. The man turns his back and speaks._

_"Yes."_

_Soonyoung froze on the spot. "W-what?" Was all he could mutter. The man walks closer to him, looks at him as tears fell from his eyes and a smile etched on his face._

_"Yes, I'll marry you. I'll marry you, Kwon Soonyoung."_

_And he pulled Soonyoung for a kiss.  
-_

 

_  
Lee Jihoon._

 

  
The name echoed in his head. Why he had a housemate, why he feels like something is missing, the tune he hums everyday, the heavy feeling in his chest; Suddenly, things started to make sense. Soonyoung grew furious and frustrated. Despite the late hour, he grabs his keys and drives to his old apartment.

As soon as he arrived, he entered the house without hesitation. This time, he enters the room at the right. The mere sight of the room was enough to make him cry.

The walls were painted with sky blue. There is one king sized bed, a picture frame by the bedside table, a big calendar with marks and notes which was hung at one wall, and two pairs of bunny slippers by the door. But what caught Soonyoung's attention was the large framed photo placed in a way that it can be seen when you sat on the bed. It was a photo of him, an arm wrapped around a man's shoulders. Soonyoung looked at the camera while the other man stared at Soonyoung with such adoring eyes. He looked so happy.

  
_Lee Jihoon._

  
He hated himself for he forgot about Lee Jihoon, he forgot the best person that ever came in his life. But he still couldn't understand one thing.

  
_Where are you, My Jihoon?_

Soonyoung enters the other room. It is where Jihoon composed his songs. This is where he slept when he had hard times with writing. His gaze shifts to the black velvet box. He held it in his hands with utmost care and starts to cry.

 

After he composed himself, he drives to where he could find his answers.

 

  
He knocked on the door, not minding what the current time is. As soon as a man opens the door, he grabs the man by the collar and asks him.

"Seokmin, where is Jihoon?"

Seokmin froze. He doesn't know how to respond. Soonyoung grew more frustrated. He grips on the collar tighter and slightly lifts his hand. Soonyoung was in another fit of tears.

"Why didn't anybody made me remember him? Where is he?"

Soonyoung's voice was laced with frustration. He lets go of the collar and brings his hand to his face.

"Why can't anybody tell me what happenend? Why?"

Soonyoung breaks down and sits on the floor as he runs a hand through his hair. He hears a sobbing sound, and he looks up to see a crying Seokmin.

"I-it was for you, Hyung. We did it for you."

Soonyoung gave Seokmin a look. Seokmin tried to speak in between his sobs.

"We already lost Jihoon hyung, we didn't want to lose you too."

  
Soonyoung stared at Seokmin with wide eyes. Tears continued to fall.

 

  
-

_"Where are we going this time, Soonyoung?"_

_Soonyoung smiles and puts Jihoon's seatbelt. He gave him a peck on the cheek before he muttered, "Secret." and winked. Jihoon tried to mask his excitement by pretending to be uninterested, but he obviously fails._

_"Just sit back and relax, okay?"_

_Jihoon nods his head._

_Just as they were about to start the engine, Jihoon looks in front, gasps, unbuckles his seatbelt, and envelopes Soonyoung in a hug._

_  
Everything happened too fast. Soonyoung wasn't even able to react._

_Their car was hit by a truck, and Jihoon's warmth was the last thing he felt before everything went black._  
-

 

  
"You were carried to the hospital. Jihoon hyung fought for his life, but it was too late for him. His small body was crushed by the impact."

Soonyoung stared at Seokmin with a blank face. Seokmin tried to held back his sobs before he continues.

"Jihoon hyung, he saved you. The doctor said your brain wasn't that damaged, but you suffered from PTSD, hyung. Your brain tried to protect you from your own memories. Everyone was scared that you'd be depressed and follow Jihoon hyung afterwards."

Seokmin falls on his knees and cries even harder.

"I'-I'm sorry hyung. We already lost Jihoon hyung, we couldn't afford to lose you too."

 

 

Soonyoung stood up, enters his car, and starts driving. He was too mad. He was frustrated. Almost everyone lied to him, and he didn't know what to feel as of the moment. Soonyoung stops at his apartment. He ran and started hugging the sweatshirts that belonged to Jihoon. He inhaled the familiar scent and couldn't stop himself from crying.

 

 

 

 

 

  
Soonyoung wakes up to the sound of his alarm. He reaches to the other side of the bed only to feel nothing. He sat up straight. A wave of realization hits him.

 

_His heart yearned for Jihoon, but Jihoon is dead._

 

_Jihoon is gone, and there's nothing he can do about it._

 

 

 

 

  
Soonyoung hums the familiar tune. He starts up the engine of his car and drives. It was Jihoon's sixth death anniversary. He stops in front of the large gate and parks his car. He walks to Jihoon's grave, holding Jihoon's journal in his hand.

"Jihoonie, you said I could lean on you, right?"

Soonyoung stares at the block of marble on the grass that had the words,

 

_Lee Jihoon_

_1996-2020_

_Forever in our hearts._

 

"I'm tired, Jihoonie. I thought I could live without you, but look at me now."

Soonyoung smiles bitterly to himself. He reeks of alcohol, his hair was disheveled, his white button-up was stained with brown patches. The bags under his eyes and his hallowed cheeks were more evident. Soonyoung sighs.

"Jihoonie, can I lean on your shoulder now? Can I see you now?"

 

Soonyoung smiles. He drinks the purple pills on his hand and swallowed them in one go. He drinks from the bottle of rum afterwards. He lets out a breath and smiles. He laid on the patch of grass beside the tombstone.

 

"I'm sorry, Jihoonie. I guess I can't smile the same way ever again. I'm sorry."

 

He hugs the notebook and tried to prevent himself from sobbing.

 

"Jihoonie, I hope to see you as soon as possible. I miss you."

 

 

_And Soonyoung smiles one last time before the darkness engulfed his whole being._

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive me. It's just that I'm going through a lot of things right now, I couldn't update my other stories. 
> 
> Anyways, I hoped you like this story. I'm sorry if this sucks :(


End file.
